Most websites I have come across deal mostly with crossdresser issues but not crossdresser wifes. There is little or no mention of crossdresser wives. That is understandable in that most people seeking information on crossdressers are crossdressers. Granted other people under the Transgender umbrella are exploring sites for useful information, but I think crossdressers are the majority.
Before I go any further for those of us lucky enough to be married to a wonderful lady let me say thank you. For being so understanding regardless of their level of tolerance. Crossdresser wifes deal with many uncomfortable issues but hopefully some positive ones also.
CROSSDRESSER WIFES AND MARRIAGE
One segment under the Transgender umbrella are heterosexual crossdressers. They are likely either married, divorced, or looking for a wife. Those of us who are married to a woman that will deal with our crossdressing have a wonderful opportunity. Notice I use the terms deal and opportunity because crossdresser wives supporting their crossdresser husbands is not a given. There are many concerns that come into play like religion, family, relatives, children, career, friends, and finally a wife’s respect for her husband.
TELL HER
Ideally the wife is told about his crossdressing before the marriage takes place. That way can she decide if she wants to go through with the commitment. There are times that the crossdresser decides not to tell her because he plans to stop dressing. His thinking is that it will not be an issue going forward if he stops. Good intentions but from my experience it never works. That usually leads to doing it in secret hoping not to get caught. To be fair many times the crossdresser does not fully understand the phenomena. He thinks he will succeed in stopping. Sadly, it does not make much difference to the wife who finds out after the wedding that he really tried to stop. Any way you slice it she was not informed prior to the decision to marry and feels deceived.
Ideally refers to the act of fairness not the outcome which, can be very bad. Even when the crossdresser fully understands the phenomena and did it right do not mean she will marry him. Fear of losing the woman he loves is the main reason men do not tell their wives up front. It is a problem, but it is worse 20 years down the road when she decides on divorce and takes the kids with her.
SOMETHING EXTRA
I will not try to explain what a woman wants in a husband because it varies from woman to woman. The masculine basics are common knowledge. Instead, it is what she wasn’t looking for and will have to deal with if she marries a crossdresser. Based on the physical and personality attraction she assumes all is well and he is a great guy. He is! There is just a little something extra that comes with the package. The CROSSDRESSER HUSBAND page has more detailed information on him.
SUPPORT
Over the last 30 years I have come to know many couples with crossdressing husbands. Mainly through my membership in CHIC (Crossdressers Heterosexual Intersocial Club). The crossdresser wifes of CHIC have a special bond with older wives helping younger ones. They share experiences helping them adjust to what is ahead. Their years of experience can provide comfort to the younger crossdresser wifes and relieve fears of what to expect
I have also met other couples at various conventions around the country who have made a place for crossdressing in their married life. I feel safe in saying that the wives would prefer he did not dress but have found a way to work with it. I’m sure if there was a magic pill to cure it, she would put it in his coffee tomorrow morning!
Life would be much easier without having to deal with his crossdressing. Tolerates better describes her feeling as opposed to accepts his dressing. There are various levels of tolerance based on the rules that are typically negotiated based on her concerns mentioned above.
MY WIFE
In my case she was told up front based on my knowledge of crossdressing at the time. There was no internet in those days and little public knowledge available. She helped me buy clothes at first but then cooled off wanting nothing to do with it. She did not tell me to stop but rather get a motel room and don’t go out anywhere else.
That worked for both of us until crossdressing started to surface more in the news and finally the internet unleashed a ton of information. Yes, my dressing escalated at that point because my knowledge of crossdressing exploded. I wanted to have the opportunity to meet other crossdressers to share my experiences with.
GOING OUT
Eventually in a bookstore I came across a local crossdressing group called PPOC (Powder Puffs of Orange County). They met in a conference room of a Best Western motel. The meetings were in Orange County California and were open to anyone. Everyone paid $10.00 and received soft drinks and pizza along with the opportunity to meet and talk with others.
Guess what? I wanted to go and brought it up to my wife who did not like any part of the idea. Persistence paid off and after a year or, so she relented giving her blessing. I cased the hotel like a bank robber and got a room a few steps away from the meeting room. She did not attend and wanted me to spend the night at the hotel. She preferred I shower before returning home in the morning in guy mode.
I attended for over a year but did not make friends because everyone including myself attended so infrequently. It was not comfortable to exchange phone numbers with someone you just met, and it could be months before you both attended the same meeting again.
CROSSDRESSER CONVENTION
After a year or of so my going to PPOC meetings my wife was more comfortable with my dressing. She was willing to attend a crossdresser conference in Texas with me. There is a certain level of comfort being out of town for her especially in another state. It was probably 1994 by this time and the Texas “T” Party in San Antonio was hitting its stride so off we went.
It was a major turning point for us as she surprised me and became comfortable right away talking with not only crossdresser wifes but crossdressers too. Everyone she encountered seemed nice and pretty much normal aside from their being crossdressed. She was impressed with how warm the people that she spoke with were. It was the first time that she had seen me completely dressed and been out with me in public. Not surprisingly she said she needed to make some changes to my presentation the next day. She told me later that she expected to see bizarre people doing strange things and was surprised it was not there. The “T” Party was heavily influenced by the crossdresser wifes in the group who were involved in the planning of the event. They had a strict dress code that was enforced so there was nothing offensive to see.
CROSSDRESSING CLUB
It was at the “T” Party convention that we met another couple where the husband was a crossdresser who lived relatively close to us in California. They became friends that we have traveled all over the world with. Ashley the crossdresser husband introduced us to CHIC along with sponsoring me to join the club.
I applied for membership and was accepted into the club but, my wife did not want to attend the meetings. She had no interest in attending meetings with me dressed that close to our home, so it was back to the motel again. The CHIC meetings were on the second Saturday night of the month and when I returned home late Sunday morning we would go to lunch.
After a couple of years discussing my evening out with the club such as who was there and what we talked about she became intrigued. The different restaurants that we went to were all very nice places with interesting menus and locations. She expressed an interest in going with me depending on the restaurant and location.
ROAD TRIPS
For the past twenty years she has continued to attend meetings and events sporadically depending on her mood and the venue. We have organized couple’s crossdressing weekend outings with CHIC members to San Francisco for shopping dinner and shows.
TECH SUPPORT
She has developed an interest in my crossdressing as in how I look going out and has helped me a great deal. She helps with wig choices along with the colors and style of clothes especially if she is going out with me. Despite her tolerance she would put the pill in my coffee if it were available. I pick out my clothes prior to going out and she picks out the jewelry. She buys me women’s clothes she sees, and thinks will work for me all the time. I am lucky because our tastes in clothing are very similar and was part of the initial attraction.
GOOD STUFF FOR HER
Her earring collection exploded after I had my ears pierced. She finds wonderful surprises all the time that she just loves and did not even buy. When out shopping she will ask me if we have any earrings that will go with the outfit she is looking at and if not, we buy some. She knows that I support every jewelry purchase she makes.
She can never have too many shoes and it makes perfect sense to have every color with purses that match. Never has a problem running out of pantyhose in the colors she likes.
CROSSDRESSING BALANCE
There is a lot more going on in our lives beyond my crossdressing and we have balanced it well over the years. Traveling, snow skiing, boating, scuba diving, golf and other sports have been prominent in our lives. Career, kids, and other family demands influence our decisions about crossdressing. It is a give and take compromise that makes it work for us. Some trips include Micki, but most do not which is fine because we buy her gifts like jewelry, purses, even shoes.
I use our story as an example but the other couples that we have known are pretty much the same situation.
CROSSDRESSER WIFES CONCERNS
No matter what her concerns are they must be treated as valid, and a solution worked out which may take time to accomplish. She wonders what she will be getting into or has gotten into so the more information she gets the better. It is common for her to worry that he is gay and will eventually leave her. It is also common for her to think he will want to have a sex change sooner or later. These are important issues because of the impact on family. As a rule, I do not recommend counseling simply because we have not used it so could not speak from experience. I recognized and addressed her concerns while she weighed my desires knowing they would not go away and reached many compromises.
We have agreed that:
Crossdressing is not something I do in our town.
I crossdress on our San Francisco trips for evenings only not before 5:00PM.
She is not included on Las Vegas trips but can go with other crossdressers a different time.
Micki does not go on trips to Europe or other major vacations but we both shop for her.
I do not drink and drive using UBER instead.
TELLING THE KIDS
We did not and do not think it is wise because you give them a lifelong burden. Once they know it is something they must deal with forever. Of the couples that I have known that told the children the daughters fared well but, the son’s hated it. The old my dad can beat up your dad became my dad is a sissy anybody’s dad can beat up. Our position is not to tell unless they find out and then be prepared with documentation to explain the situation truthfully without apologizing.
THE PACKAGE
Without getting into psychology people are made up from different personality traits and crossdressers are no different. While some men cannot get enough chest bumping, fist pumping, and yelling at sports to express their masculinity. Crossdressers may enjoy the game a bit more quietly than the outward masculine projection.
Having said that, crossdressers wanting to keep anyone from suspecting they have a feminine side can yell just as loud or louder to avoid suspicion. I have often wondered about the guys in the sports bars that react to every play with maximum volume.
STAYING IN THE MARRIAGE
Should a wife stay in the marriage or get a divorce and move on starting over. It is not an easy question and has a lot of moving parts, so most be carefully considered. I recommend starting by getting a large yellow legal pad and drawing a vertical line down the center of the pad. On one side list the things you like about your husband which hopefully is a long one. On the other side list, the things that you do not like about him. Take some time and think carefully about the answers and consider their importance. Put the pad in a safe place for a day or so then revisit what you wrote on each side. Now take a pen and go down the list of what you wrote you do not like. Keeping in mind that you cannot change him scratch out the things that you can live with and leave the things you cannot. If his crossdressing is still on the you cannot live with list, you will have a clearer picture of your situation and the decisions that lay ahead of you.
COMPROMISE
If you decide to scratch it off the list and live with your husband’s crossdressing then ground rules can be established. As a starting point it might be a good idea to use the same yellow pad only this time list your needs on one side and have him do the same. Review it together and try to find ways to accommodate each other. In business a good negotiation is one where both sides get at least some of what they wanted. Looking for ways that he can still crossdress while eliminating some of her concerns goes a long way. Here are just a few examples to consider.
A storage locker can eliminate the kids finding his stuff in the garage.
Him dressing in another town minimizes accidental discovery.
Taking taxis or UBER instead of driving while dressed.
Him dressing once a month instead of nightly or every weekend.
He does not show outward signs or tells like pierced ears, long hair, arched eyebrows that can expose him.
Finally, she can participate (or not) at whatever level she desires.
She may also want something else just for her that can be budgeted and achieved. Crossdressing is not cheap so like all things in a marriage should be balanced.
Just my opinion!
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