The title of this post will bring a variety of thoughts to mind but I will focus on my favorite then explore some others. Respect is my number one expectation because if I get it many others come with it and problems go away as a result. If I don’t get it I move on quickly because there is no point in lingering in a negative environment. What brought my thinking to the topic of Transvestite / Crossdresser expectations is how many unrealistic border line delusional ones I have heard over the years. Having realistic expectations will make life much more enjoyable and the quality of your outings much more.
PASSING
Being able to pass as a woman while cross dressed, I think is pretty much the goal of every Transvestite / Crossdresser but is accomplished by very few in reality. It is subjective so depends on who is making the call as to your pulling it off or not. We all have seen people that in our minds have mastered passing and envy them. However, while men always look at attractive women with desire on some level. Women look at other women and study them for many different reasons, so they notice slight differences. Maybe it’s a competition thing or just an interest in style but one thing is for sure, they are experts on the subject. Passing in the minds of men is far easier than women who are experts on walking, talking, speaking, laughing, dressing, makeup, hairstyles. That said, while you may not pass you can still impress them with your presentation provided it isn’t trashy. I am not fooled by the pronouns, but when a woman compliments me on my appearance, I take it as genuine because of my voice keeps me from passing.
PRESENTATION
Many Transvestite / Crossdressers I have come across put a great deal of time and effort into thinking about all of the components listed above in the expectation of passing. I once asked Denae Doyle a renown Feminine Image Consultant from femimage.com whom I knew from San Francisco days about the viability of crossdressers learning to use a feminine voice. She told me not to bother unless my goal was to change my voice 100 % of the time dressed or not. She explained that without that level of commitment it would not work and you will slip up and be discovered. That is part of the reason I use my male voice when out dressed.
RESPECT
Respect is another area where Transvestite / Crossdresser expectations become important because you won’t get it if you don’t give it FIRST! I think one of the reasons I enjoy the level of acceptance / tolerance I do is because the first impression is always on my mind. I spend a fair amount of time in elevators and always hold the door open for ladies and exit last regardless of how I am dressed. Always the gentleman no matter what I am wearing. I think it makes a good impression with the ladies and more than once a gentleman has insisted he be the last to leave gesturing for me to exit before him. I take that as sign of respect while not being delusional about him accepting my manor of dress with tolerating it being more likely. That doesn’t matter to me as long as everyone is being nice to each other as they have every right to their opinion.
Expanding on the respect issue along with the good first impression I dress conservatively much like any woman going to a business meeting. Only on very rare occasions will the hem of my skirt be above my knee and then only an inch or so. Other than a man dressed as a woman there is nothing to pick on because it is likely they themselves have dressed or do dress that way. Dressing trashy which, many women have issues with because of negative things it does to them is another story all together. Their impression is negative right off and their respect for you is limited if any at all.
I think almost 100% of all Transvestite / Crossdresser expectations have included dressing 24/7/365 as part of the evolution through our journey. If you can’t easily accomplish that many yearn to do it as the ultimate goal of dressing and living like a woman. Along with that fantasy comes 100% acceptance by everyone you meet along the way. Depending on where you go 100% acceptance is possible without passing which, is wonderful in places like San Francisco years ago. Once most of us accomplish 7 days of dressing completely morning, noon and night it gets old quickly and becomes a chore. I did it a Southern Comfort the first time and kept cutting it down until I found that 3 days was my best fit. No doubt Transgender people look at it differently but their path is different than Transvestite / Crossdresser expectations.
One of the reasons I kept eliminating days from my outings was the grind of getting ready everyday on a schedule. There comes a time where I want to sleep in and go to lunch undercover as Duke where nobody will recognize me. That gives me time for a leisurely lunch getting back to my room around three to start the magic of making Micki. Being at a convention or extended outing shouldn’t resemble boot camp. I know some people only take fifteen minutes to get ready and in my opinion they look it! I believe you get out of it what you put into it so its worth the time invested. Having at least one lesson with a makeup artist that specializes in folks like us will improve your Transvestite / Crossdresser presentation. You will look your best instead of Hank in a dress as my friend Lexie used to say.
I’ll conclude with maybe the most important Transvestite / Crossdresser expectation which is attitude and I’m am talking about confidence. No matter what your goals are when you are out and about if your confidence is low and attitude reassembles a scared rabbit you will appear weak and vulnerable. By contrast, if you walk in confidently with your head high and shoulders back and smiling most people will not bother you. Projecting the attitude that you belong there works wonders with people who are not inclined to argue the point. In truth 40 years ago it was more important to project a confident attitude than today where most people don’t care and are more engrossed in what they are doing. Even so I would still project the confident attitude because you never want to appear vulnerable and don’t know exactly who you are dealing with. Let them know you belong there because you do.
agree almost totally with what you have written. personally I can tell when I’ve pulled of the lady role but most of the time I just don’t know There has been only 1 time when I have actually been called out.
as you wrote -confidence is everything. I was actually clueless when I started out so the 1st time a woman complimented me I was stunned and speechless. Now I dish out the compliments also and feel that action actually adds credibility to my presentation
Good points and thanks for the comments.
Fantastic post and anyone who ignores the basic premise that respect has to be earned not demanded does so at their peril.
I pass 100% of the time – as a trans person! You’re absolutely right that passing as a natal woman is an impossible dream for most of us, whether crossdresser or full blown transgender, and I started enjoying my feminine life when I stopped worrying about things I couldn’t control and concentrated on the things that I could. I don’t go out much but I’ve never had a negative experience when I have been out and about. People seem to fall into three categories – benign (they either don’t approve or don’t know how to react so just remain stone faced), accepting (they don’t see a need to treat gender variant people any different to everyone else) or enthusiastic (they go out of their way to show their support). What they don’t know when they encounter me is whether I’m a full time transitioner, a part time crossdresser or somewhere in between (I’m very part time) and I think that that also helps in gaining acceptance and respect.
In the end, I’ve found that I’m judged on how much effort it’s perceived I’ve made to conform (via appropriate outfits and general behaviour) than the results.
The only area I have a different view to you is on voice. You made good points in both this and in previous posts where you’ve discussed it but for me, at least softening the voice is a part of demonstrating willingness to conform. I’m under no delusion that softening the voice and raising it by a few semitones instantaneously makes me sound like a natal woman and those I interact with will always understand what I am but it does reduce the risk of reaction from others nearby, particularly if I’m shopping for clothes in the ladies’ department. In the end, though, we have to do what feels comfortable for us as individuals.
As I said, though, this was a great post and I hope that people take inspiration from it.
Great points Amanda thanks for sharing.
Micki
You covered a lot of information in this post , as Ashley and I both have said in many lectures in a lot of different venues, It’s all an illusion, as you mentioned you get out of it what you really put into it , you have to look the part , most GG’s don’t look like runway model every time they step out the door , in this day and age a lot of women don’t put the effort into every day appearance as they once , did especially the younger generations like you I think we earn respect if you look and act the part without demanding any thing and treat people with respect it goes a long way , I thank the attitude makes a huge difference, confidence is very important, if you look as well as act like you belong , acceptance is much easier
Keep up the good work
Susie
Thanks for the comment Susie they’re always appreciated.
Micki
i fully passed once at a CD group meeting in Denver. I was mistaken for a spouse until as you just said I spoke to the presenter. Her comment to me was I thought you a spouse until I spoke to you. I was thrilled. Of course I dressed down, slacks and a sweater while all the other were in dresses, or skirt and heels. I loved it I just said keep it up flatter me some more.
Thanks for the comment Sallee I appreciate your input.